What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
