Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
