Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
