the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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