That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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