he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Cover your peen. We're going out.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
