I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
