Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
