that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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