the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
