I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
