I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
