I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
