i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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