so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
