By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
