dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
