I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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