I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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