We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
