Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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