are you still at the devil's house?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
