I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's official drugs can't kill me
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
