You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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