I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
