Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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