I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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