I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
