Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
