nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
