we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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