I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
