I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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