Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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