haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
