First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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