i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
