In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
