Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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