ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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