So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
