I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
