I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
