u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
