Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
