Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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