i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
