I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
