Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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