if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
