You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
