we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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