I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
