My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
